My (pre-Euro tournament) letter to the FA

Strangely prescient, as it turned out. Maybe now we've been knocked out he'll get round to replying.

Dear Mr Bevington

May I begin by congratulating you on the appointment of the new England Manager, Mr Hodgson – a fine man with a proven track record of leading average international teams to the second round of major tournaments.

Following Chelsea’s historic Champion’s League victory in Munich, and the sudden appearance of a spectator, in full match kit, at the trophy presentation to lift the famous cup, I am writing to ask if there is any chance I might be allowed to lift the Henri Delaunay Cup next month, should England be victorious?

Like John Terry, I have always wanted to lift a prestigious international sporting trophy, ever since I was a small boy accustomed to the bitter taste of defeat in egg-and-spoon races at Sports Day.

Should this prove impossible to arrange (I realise that, as a Scouser, Steven Gerrard may be sensitive to the notion of letting anyone else near his silverware), are you able to wield any influence over the presentation of the Olympic football medals, or do I need to write to LOCOG?

Many thanks in advance for your assistance in this matter. I look forward to hearing from you.

God (or the alternative religious or civil authority appropriate to your culture and belief system) for Roy, England, and St George!

Yours sincerely.

Jeremy Davies